Life Stuff - Part Two (The Explanation)

Good morning all! It is currently 1:11 am here on the east coast and I can't sleep. Thursday wasn't a great day to be quite honest. I thought maybe explaining what yesterday was like for me, could help jump start the conversation I want to have with you lovely people. 

Thursday morning I went to my college class (I have so much to tell you all) and right towards the end of class, I got a punch of fear straight to the gut. I was having a panic attack. I got out to my car in time for it to be in full swing, tears, heart pounding, sweating (ew), the whole nine yards. I sat in my car for quite some time just balling my eyes out. I just couldn't move, couldn't attempt to do anything to be quite honest. I called my mom and just listened to the sound of her voice. That started to calm me down, thankfully. I sat in my car, trying to use all the techniques I had learned to help when attacks like that happen and eventually I was able to feel confident enough to drive home. Of course when I finally feel okay enough to start backing up out of my parking spot, someone beeped at me (for no reason that I can think of) and I just froze. I got my car back into the spot and cried some more. A few minutes later, I left the school and drove home. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks pretty frequently. Sometimes they occur more regularly than other times but they never really take a vacation. I've suffered from mental illness my entire life. I genuinely can not remember a time of my life where I wasn't experiencing some sort of mental illness. 

When I was a baby/toddler, I had severe separation anxiety and was extremely shy. I barely talked to people who weren't my family and if someone else tried to hold me or touch me, I wasn't having it. Every picture from that time of my life is me trying to crawl into my mom. At the time I started school, I was experiencing anxiety on a daily basis. I always use to ask my mom, and still sometimes do, for something to look forward to. That was my coping mechanism. In intermediate school, third grade to fifth grade, I was still suffering from anxiety regularly. My first full on panic attack in school, I had many at home, was in fourth grade. I will never forget those moments and the incredible kindness of my teacher for helping me through that. I will be sure to share with you that story soon. Middle School is where my mental illness took off into another form. I started suffering from depression. Sixth grade for me was one of the most horrific times in my life. It was so bad, I have blocked out a lot of it. I had a terrible transition from grade school to middle school. I was always the person who loved school and that year made me despise it. I hope one day I will feel more comfortable sharing that part of my life with you but to be quite honest, I am not there yet. 

Moving on to high school, I had a great transition from middle to high school, thankfully. I adjusted quite well and enjoyed the beginning of high school. As the years progressed, my anxiety fluctuated in intensity. Senior Year, for me, was the toughest year of high school. The first few months of senior year were great and then by November/December, I was not feeling like myself. It started off with a few low days and explained to some dark days and weeks. I didn't realize it but I had been suffering from depression again. This time much more intense. I wasn't me anymore. I was in a negative mindset and I couldn't get out of it. Right after Christmas, was an extremely difficult time for me. I was suffering from anxiety attacks almost everyday and just did not want to get out of bed. One afternoon I had a conversation with my mom. In this talk, I explained all of the fears and phobias I suffer from. How I feel paranoid for a week at a time and then I'll get night terrors (she knew about this). I explained to her the feeling I have before I walk out the front door everyday to go wherever I needed to go, fear.

I was and still am terrified to leave my house sometimes. I don't always want to go out and sometimes I am just not mentally strong enough to. I am natural introvert but sometimes my mind worries so much about something happening or if I forget something, whatever it might be, that I can't go out. By the time I am finished worrying, I am too mentally and physically exhausted by the anxiety and stress I put my mind and body through that I just don't go out. By the way, you guys are the third person I have ever told this to. My mom, and my therapist, are the first two. Now onto the second person who found out all this stuff and is still digging into my brain. I am now seeing someone weekly and I am learning to cope with my anxiety/depression/OCD in other ways than what I have been my entire life. I found out I suffer from PTSD, who knew. I mean, I have discovered so much of myself and what my brain actually thinks it's doing compared to what I want it to. I am on the road to becoming a happy version of the girl you for some reason read and support. 

I have a few more of these Life Stuff posts in me and I really do want to share this with all of you. I also want to write a post about what I am using this time of my life for. That is a big driving force in my life right now and I think I want to share with you what I am working for. Would you like to read that??

I do not want pity or anything like that, I just hope that my story can help someone else. So many of your stories and the stories of other bloggers/friends/family have helped me identify what I have been going through and that it is okay to ask for help. 

I am going to have to sign off for right now because Lily, one of my cats, has decided my lap is where  she would like to sleep. Thank you for your continued support. 

Thank you also for over 8,000 views! That is absolutely insane and by now we are almost at 8,500 views! I love you all and I will talk to you very soon. 

Me at my family dinner celebrating my graduation! More to come soon on this!

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