My Stages of Grief

Hi all, I am talking to you all from the comfort of my couch on a rainy Thursday afternoon.

As you can probably devise from the title of this post, I lost someone very special to me this month. A little over two weeks ago, my Grandma passed away. I love her very much and miss her everyday. She was sick for some time and we knew the day was coming when she would no longer be with us but we did not expect it on the day it happened. It did not feel real when my Mom told me. She woke me up at about 6:15 am and told me the news, and I just was in complete and utter shock. 

I didn't cry when I first found out and I've never admitted that before. I guess the "normal" way to react to that kind of news is to cry, but I'm just not a cryer. It's not where my mind goes when told such sad news or for anything really. I'm much more of a logical person, an intellectualizer as my therapist calls me, so emotions are not the way I react to things. Anyway, I didn't cry but I felt completely numb. I just felt like I was moving through the day outside of my own body. Looking back, I know realize I was in shock. 

I'm not going to lie to you, writing this is making me anxious. I could not write this before now. I've only recently accepted what happened. It finally hit me that she is gone. A day or two after my Grandma passed, my mom and I were at our local diner just grabbing lunch in-between the 20th and 21st errand we were and had to run. I told her that I felt completely numb, like I was just walking through the last few days like a zombie. My mom knows me better than anyone else in the world, looked at me and told me that for me it was going to take longer to realize what happened and how our life would be different. This week I realized what she meant. 

During the week of wakes and the funeral, I barely thought of myself. It's just not my instinctual way of acting. I care so much about my family that I just had to make sure they were okay. I have to focus more on how I am feeling and taking care of myself, and I am working on that. It was just hard to work on that when everyone around you is sad and upset. So, it wasn't until this week when I finally felt it. Yesterday, especially it finally hit me, she is gone. She won't see my brother graduate high school or me start college. She won't be there for the birth of her great grandchildren. I know she will be looking down on my family through all of this but still it makes me sad. 

My Grandma, Mom and I when I was tiny
My Grandma and I on Christmas Day
My Grandma and I at my cousin's wedding recpetion 

I know she will always be looking down on me and my family. She truly is in a better place, she is now with my Grandpa. I love them and will miss them so much. 

2 comments

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss Haley, thinking of you and your family just now and sending you lots of love and prayers <3

    Carolyn x
    Carolyn’s Simple Life

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Carolyn! Love is always appreciated. :)

      -Haley

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