Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I find it incredibly difficult sometimes to accept that I suffer from PTSD. When my former therapist told me about PTSD, I did not believe her that I was dealing with this. "Veterans suffer from that after coming home from war, there is no way I have that, " I would say things like that over and over again. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I knew it was true. Now more than ever I realize the strength in admitting that you are in pain. 

Today, I am in pain. 
Today, I am suffering. 
Today, I am okay with that. 

I am having a hard time today, I really am. Flashbacks of traumatic experiences in my life keep popping up and it's terrifying. Memories of moments of my life, that I wish I could forget, keep coming back. Moments when I felt weak, scared, shocked, heartbroken all keeping flooding my thoughts and I do not know what to do. 

I'm incredibly hard on myself and I expect a lot. I'm the person who thinks about what they have done and never thinks it's good enough and I do this so intensely that I traumatize myself. It's terrifying what your brain can do it itself. My soul and my heart are pleading to not be so hard on myself but my brain has these expectations that, if aren't met, means I am a failure. 

I am not a failure. 
I am doing my best. 
I am kicking ass at what I am doing. 

I have to remind myself of that all the time. Today, when moments of terror and fear strike me into a panic at the oddest of time, I have to remind myself of that. I have to be open to the fear. I have to know that it will pass. 

That is why I am writing this - to remind myself. 

I am not my anxiety. 
I am not my tramuas. 

Tony Robbins said it best and this is something I will try to never forget - "Your biography is not your destiny." I will not let my past define my future.

Just wanted to write to remind myself that I am capable of peace - in my life, in my heart and most importantly in my soul. 

Hope peace is finding you wherever you are tonight. 

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