I gave in.


For the first time in my life, I gave in to the universe. I know that might sound insane, but let me explain.

I stopped trying to control things that are out of my control. I took my hands off the steering wheel of my life (don't do this in real life, please and thank you) and let myself cruise down the highway with the windows open. I have always been the person who has had to control every aspect of my life - it was my coping mechanism for my anxiety. If I could control my environment, my feelings even, my anxiety wouldn't be as bad. Or at least that's what I thought, but oh does anxiety work the complete opposite way. And I am not saying that by throwing my hands and saying to the world, "here I am, do what you want," my anxiety has disappeared. However, my shoulders aren't so heavy anymore. 

A few months ago, I went through some shit. I'm not really interested in getting into the details but I will say I was at rock bottom. I had lost the majority of my friends, my community, my reputation was damaged, and my heart and spirit were broken. It fucking sucked. And in those moments of grief of losing so much, I released I can either crawl deeper into the darkness or give in. Give in to the ever occurring current of pure momentum that God or the universe, whatever you want to call it, had given me. I always pushed against it but I was so low and so destroyed, that I thought that letting go wouldn't be so bad. And it was the best decision I have ever made. 

I started living by the motto of "one day at a time." I tried every day to find the positive, and negative, of the day and believe that it was truly all happening for a reason. I stopped thinking I could control everything and just let life's natural progression for me happen. Everything began to fall into place - I transferred schools, found amazing opportunities, felt happiness and excitement again and knew deep down that everything was going to be okay. Believe me, if my 6 months ago self heard me talking these days, I would have thought I lost my mind. Instead, I think I found my life. 

I'm not trying to preach to you to believe in something you don't because god knows I hate that. All I am saying is, give yourself a break sometimes. You deserve all life has to give you and most of the time we block our own path to true happiness and peace. 

So, here's to today because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. 

Talk to you soon, 

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